I recently went shopping to get new
clothes for Diwali.For starters let me tellya that I hate shopping.I

absolutely HATE shopping,especially for clothes.And whenever its

festival time I try and avoid getting asked to "come and pick some new

clothes".Sometimes I successfully manage to avoid it and tell my

dad(who strangely is a shopping junkie) to pick up something while he's

at it. "Dad,make sure its got some blue or black in it.Checked or

striped" ,I'd say while coming up with some alibi as to why I cannot

accompany him.Ah how easy that was.

But its not that always easy trying to escape the drill and sometimes your bluff is called.

And there I was a coupla days back moping around in a clothes store picking up a new shirt for Diwali.

But,these store attendants I tellya ! Everytime I enter a store to shop for some clothes I dread these blokes.

Over the years I have come to realise that they can be broadly classified as follows:

1.The

Hovering Vulture:These blokes have a keen eye for prey and the

mili-second you enter the store they're on you before you know it.They

shadow you like a regular gumshoe and do a 'Sting' by

watching every move you make,every breath you take.They never offer

their help unless you ask but they're constantly hovering around like a

protective museum curator thinking "dont touch this dont touch

that".Take out and put back one garment out of place and they're on

your case.Most of these blokes are obsessive compulsive I am sure, but

I guess order is very important to them and they do have to have a

place for everything and everything in its place.Some closely monitor

you ..for shop lifting I reckon.I've tried turning back and glaring at

them and it works sometimes,causing them to slink away.Another trick I

employ to get rid of them is walk one way and suddenly switch gears and

do a roundabout.This quick and effective tactic will leave them

confused and they will ease up..but only to return shortly after you

move to the next aisle/section.

2.The Eager Beaver: These

blokes,though not as bad as category 1,can be as irritating

though.These are the ones that immediately rush up to you and ask what

you're looking for.Now if your a regular male shopper like me you'd

probably tell them the size you're looking for and the fit/sleeve type

and hope they scram after directing you there and you hope they will

leave you alone after that but NOOO they must accompany you

throughout,dropping various fashion pointers/comments honed over the

years -"Sir, I'm afraid that red doesn't suit you, but you might

however like to try on our orange shirt with black pin stripes.It will

make you look thinner".My software engineer paunch though offended at

the veiled remark decides to forgive him and I say "Naa..I dont like

it".But as honorary members of the fashion police/authority they will

relentlessly give you their fashion fundas. "Sir this Olive green shirt

will go very well with beige colored trousers,which I might add is

right over there in the trousers section.What's your waist size sir?

Arre chintu,tape measure kahaan" and before you can protest they're

already on their beat,measuring your waist size and shouting out the

same to their cronies while you try and suck in your gut lest the

womenfolk in the vicinity know your worst kept secret.Hiding the

evidence you see."No no" I protest."That is because of my thick shirt

you see.You measured around it as I have not tucked it in".

-"But

sir, you do normally tuck in your shirt no?" he'd go and I'd want to go

"heck No" but I relent for fear that he'd come back and ask me to raise

my shirt and cause further embarassment in front of the aforementioned

womenfolk in the vicinity.

3.The snob salesmen: These are

relentless businessmen who use tactics of snobbery.For them the only

plan of action is to shoot their sales pitch in a snobbish way so that
by the time they are done, you would feel quite small settling for

a regular X or Y brand under 600-800 bucks.No sirree…the A1 brands

they would recommend are the burn-a-hole-in-the-wallet types.Minimum

prices would start from 1500 bucks."But look at the quality sir.Just

feel that fine cotton..look at the finish.You'd feel like a King in

these clothes.." Emperor's new clothes anyone?…"(expensive)Clothes

maketh the man" is their slogan but little do they know that it can

also breaketh a man's wallet.

Then after consulting with your wallet you meekly ask "do you have anything..err..chea..err..something uh um less expensive"?

And

he'd go "Sir?" with a slightly raised eyebrow in mock contempt.And then

you begin a cat and mouse game and say "I'll look around and decide"

hoping you can elude them and hope that some other poor soul gets

trapped in their web.

4.The aloof attendant: In a strange way I

kinda like these blokes a tad better than the previous ones.I mean they

dont really bother you at all.They're busy arranging something or the

other or dusting about and would never perform any of the antics by the

3 previous types mentioned above .They're just there for the

paycheck.You can almost read their thoughts as you enter — "here comes

another shmuck.Hope he doesnt fuss or fidget about.Besides the eager

beaver would take care of him.Wot me worry?". But alas it will so

happen that when you want to enquire about availability of a different

size/color,all the eager beavers would be engaged with some other

customer and the aloof attendant would be nowhere in sight.They have a

way of slinking away just when they would be really wanted.I think they

have built in radar.If in case they do happen to be in the vicinity

they will nod a "Yes sir,I will check and get back to you" and vanish

into thin air never to reappear.

5.Mistaken identity: In most

stores the attendants would follow a dress code,and sometime or the

other there is bound to be a customer wearing a similar dress and these

unfortunate souls often bear the embarassment of being mistaken for a

store attendant.

me: "Excuse me do you know where I can find XXL full sleeved shirts?"

they:

(face flushing red with embarassment)"Err,dude ! I dont work here

,okay?" and you go away muttering a sheepish apology.I must confess I

have been at the receiving end a coupla times.The best way to avoid

this? Avoid eye contact with other customers.When in shop do as

shoppers do.Look only at the merchandize and periodically check the

softness of the material and go "hmm".

6.And finally the

Friendly attendant who knows exactly what to do and when to do it.These

guys are the cream of the crop.They welcome you with a cheerful

smile.They address you as "Boss".If you've been to the shop before they

remember you and know your groove.They wont hover around

unnecessarily,and the nanosecond they know you are looking for help

they would be there in a flash.In some cases they will take your light

hearted request for a discount and would really give you a "frequent

flyer" discount as they know you've been there before and would

probably keep coming back for more.Unfortunately these blokes are not

easy to come by and I guess they are an endangered species.

Most

of you who've grown up in chennai and shopped here would probably know

the stores I have addressed above and I have politely left out the

names.You can fill in the blanks as you please .

PS: Risking

violent repercussions from my lady readers I must confess that all the

above types hold good only for a men's store.For a women's store,my

sympathies are for all the attendants.God save the attendant who gets

caught with a shopaholic woman.I made the grave mistake of agreeing to

accompany my sis and my aunt for one such trip to pick some stuff for

them and hoo boy, that shop attendant never knew what hit him